Why English Teachers Die Young…

One of my colleagues sent this to our district teachers for a good laugh. Laugh on!

Why English Teachers Die Young….

       Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
Collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across
The country.

 Here are last year’s winners.

       1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
            gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

       2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
            like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

       3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
            a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
            those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
            high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
            those boxes with a pinhole in it.

       4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was
            room-temperature Canadian beef.

       5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
            makes just before it throws up.

       6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like,

       7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

       8. The revelation that his marriage of 30
            years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude
            shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

       9. The little boat gently drifted across the
            pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

     10.   McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the
            pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

      11.  From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
                eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and
            jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

       12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

       13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement,  just like maggots when
            you fry them in hot grease.

       14. Long separated by cruel fate, the
            star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
            toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36
            p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of
            35 mph.

       15. They lived in a typical suburban
            neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

       16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
            had also never met.

       17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was
            the East River .

       18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a  mind like a steel trap,
            only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

       19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

       20. The plan was simple, like my
            brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

       21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
            eating for a while.

       22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the
            metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck
            that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

      23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
            leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

       24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
            with power tools.

       25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
            as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


9 responses to “Why English Teachers Die Young…

  1. I’ve been crying for 3 days, all emotional over who the heck knows what….. I got Little Mr. in bed early, I curl up with all my wallow in self pity chocolates, drinks and laptop and start reading this. I had thought plugging in the earphones was a smart idea not to wake up said, sleeping child until…. I read # 8 and that dang formerly surcharge free ATM and I can barely contain myself snorting, tears streaming, choking on chocolate drool laughing.

    To say the least- THANK YOU!

  2. Mmmk I think I wrote #4. 🙂

    Those were amazeballs. Seriously. Thank you for this.

  3. Hilarious!

  4. genius. and the imagery of the statements perfectly conjurs up the setting they are trying to convey.

    oh wait. are you people making fun of them? because I do think I recognized at least 3 of my own statements.

    I heart #4 and #20.

  5. I agree with S – some of these really are effective. Particularly 10, 17, and 20.

  6. Hilarious!!!! Love, love these. “Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.” That one is is kinda good. Love them! However, I most enjoy that ballerina raising her leg… The contrast is shockingly hilarious, as it is in 25. That oval one is just killer. Surchange, too. I even love the ones that are just so… dumb… that they make me roll, like 7, 9, 16, 19. I’m trying to pick one super-fav. Maybe gotta go with the mob informant. Thank you for these! Made my day.

  7. These are hilarious, like something that makes me laugh my ass off!

  8. I needed this post. My shit is cracking up.

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